Sexual Nines unconsciously express a need to be through another—to gain a sense of “being” they don’t find inside themselves through fusion with somebody else. They unconsciously use relationships to feed their sense of being because it can feel too challenging or threatening to be on their own; they substitute another person’s agenda for their own because it feels more comfortable to stand or be through another. These Nines may not even realize they have made this substitution, however; it often happens at a subconscious level.
Sexual Nines are not connected to their own passion for living (in the good sense of the term “passion”), and so they try to locate it by blending with another person. When they are in close relationships, they may have the sense that there are no boundaries between their experience and that of important others. The merging with the other takes the form of an energetic taking on of feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and even behavior. These Nines feel a sense of loneliness or abandonment that seems like it can only be filled by another person, whether or not they realize it consciously.
The problem inherent in this stance, of course, is that true union—a real relationship between two people—requires that both people stand on their own feet before coming to meet each other. But Sexual Nines may experience difficulty in standing on their own two feet, being grounded in themselves, and living out their own sense of purpose, so they look for it in another person.
Individuals with this subtype can merge with a partner, a parent, a close friend, or any important person as a way of finding a life purpose and avoiding their own experience of the lack of such purpose. They have a sense of uncertainty about their own identity and a lack of structure in their lives, and they look to other people to satisfy their sense of who they are and what they want without realizing that this is happening.
Sexual Nines tend to be very kind, gentle, tender, and sweet. They are the least assertive of the Nines. However, the tenderness they express, like other gestures of caring that come from the personality rather than the real self, can be, to one extent or another, false. More than the other two Nine subtypes, these Nines can have a difficult time locating their own motivation to act in support of their own initiatives. They can even know they want to do something and not be able to do it for a long time, especially if it involves any kind of conflict with others.
Sexual Nines defend against the pain of early separation (and separations in general) by unconsciously denying the existence of boundaries. This is an attempt to avoid being aware of their own deeper sense of isolation, aloneness, and individuality.
This Nine may have the sense that “I am when with the other.” In maintaining the important connections in their lives, they may be so focused on meeting the needs of others that they betray their own needs. When this occurs, they may engage in passive-aggressive forms of rebellion, such as avoiding someone or ignoring something important in a way that affects the relationship.
Sexual Nines can resemble Type Fours, as they may feel a sense of melancholy and experience and express similar themes and feelings related to relationships. Having their center of gravity in others means they have a special sensitivity to the wishes and moods of the important people in their lives and an acute awareness of the push-pull connection and disconnection dynamics in a relationship. However, while Fours are self-referencing, Sexual Nines are primarily other-referencing, and they may take on the feelings of another as opposed to having more immediate awareness of their own emotional ups and downs, as Fours do.
Sexual Nines may also share central concerns with Type Twos in that they can lack a solid sense of self and then look to their important relationships as a way to find self-definition or a sense of identity. Twos differ from these Nines, however, in that they focus more attention on constructing an image. Twos also usually enjoy being the center of attention, while this is much less comfortable for Sexual Nines.